Dear Diary Edition: I Choose ME

Note to reader: I hope this speaks to you. I want you to understand how very special you are and how much you mean to the universe. No matter what anyone says or what trials you face in life, you matter!

2.26.15

As I am thousands of feet in the air making my way from Phoenix to Atlanta, I can't help but reflect over my life. It took a week trip for me to be able to finally clear my mind some.

It's been a long time since Ive been truly happy. It's not that I don't want to be happy, it's that I can't help but to put others before myself. I've come to the realization I am drained because I allow myself to be drained. Since I was young this has been my way. I was an adult before I even matured physically, before I even knew how mature I was compared to all of the other kids. . experiencing things that put me in a "nurturer" frame of mind.  When you grow up a certain way you don't know that it's not how it should or should't be, you just adapt. Now, at times, it seems impossible to NOT be concerned with others well being, contributing to their life in a positive way or just helping in any way that I'm able. I was created with so much love and passion it's natural to nurture others. As I enjoy my last year of my twenties I fully understand it's time for me to be selfish, I mean to the fullest, it's actually way overdue. A wise man once said "You must be selfish before you can be selfless." In more simple terms to me it means get yourself together or you will not be as effective in helping others. So much time and energy has been dedicated to others that I forgot to worry about me. These days I look in the mirror and see the yearning for me to just do me for me. To be happy. I've been saying this for a long time but have not been applying it. People may not understand because when you give so much energy for so long, it's hard for them to accept the fact that it's time for that energy to be used on self. That's ok, they may not understand or even agree and if they don't have the capacity to empathize, understand or even relate - they are just not meant to be part of my journey and I'm perfectly okay with that fact. It's important to understand where you are going, it's not about anyone else and as emotional beings it can be difficult to separate from others but undoubtedly 100% necessary.

As I look out my window at the most beautiful sunset I've seen up so high, a song by @RyanLeslie comes on, "I Choose You" blares through my headphones. It may sound cliche but the hook speaks volumes:

Over the others, over my pride

Over the faults I have in my life

I choose you, I choose you

I choose you, I choose you

Although this song may be intended for someone it really can be applied to self. Forgiving yourself, accepting yourself and all of your flaws, loving yourself no matter what the circumstances. Overall putting yourself at the center of your world, everything you have/need is inside of you. All these things help make us stronger in order to help others in the way we need to instead of the way we think we should. We're here to be great and spread love but that cannot be done if we are not right within. Ones journey is theirs and theirs alone, we share parts of our journey but no one can walk it for us. If it's love we want to spread we have to be sure to start inside of our own heart filling it with love and removing any rubbish that stops the process of evolving in a positive direction. Choosing yourself doesn't change how you feel about others, it just allows you to focus on being the best you that you can possibly be. We think we must sacrifice ourselves to the fullest to be great but really we already are, we just have to step into our own greatness! As this song repeats, I think to myself, 'how can I become a butterfly if I'm not willing to commit to my cocoon?' Well now the answer is simple, "I Choose ME!"

Thanks for reading!

kisses*