Dear Diary Edition: Better Than Yesteryear

Six years. Today marks six years since the person that knew me better than I knew myself has transitioned from her vessel. Now here I sit and all I can think about is how much I have grown. Instead of creating more pain for myself wishing for something that will not happen, I decided to take a different approach. I am giving thanks for her life that she shared while here. I give thanks for the process in which got me where I am today. I give thanks for the experiences with her that instilled many things in me. I am thankful for all the mistakes I have made and lessons I have learned.With all my heart I sometimes look back and say 'WOW, I am still here after all I have been through!!!" There are many ways we deal with the loss of someone we love and it is not the same for every person. After my mom passed I didn't want to be here anymore. I kept going, or at least in my mind that was what I was telling myself but in reality I was walking in place, going nowhere fast. I stopped caring about myself and just blew whichever way the wind took me. Most people that have crossed my path would talk about how strong I was and am but in my eyes I wasn't because I was not doing my best for myself. Now that I have gone through such a painful loss and grown in sooo many ways throughout the years I can now say YES I AM STRONG! Even when all I wanted to do was give up; I didn't. Even when it felt as if no one cared about me (which was not true) I kept going. 

Many aspects contribute to how we feel about ourselves, how we perceive who we are, how we think about what we have done/are doing/are going to do and so much more. A few months before my mom passed she started saying "deal with the facts not the emotions" and it was something she would say to me up until she passed. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am not afraid to feel, however, emotions can and will cloud our best judgement. There are many things I look back on and see how I could have handled a situation better if I had not been so emotional but that is all part of growing. I am thankful for everything that I have been through and I no longer cry tears asking why she is gone. 

I still struggle with accepting my role as her daughter in the last year before she passed but that is part of the healing and growing process, everything just doesn't clear out and disappear. This scribe is not to imply that I am fully healed and feel no pain, it is to emphasize how strength comes in the times we look at being the worst and yet we still work through them and can come out even better! 

All these years I spent in sadness and anger, dedicating my energy with tears and ungrateful thoughts of wishing she was here. I can say many positive things regarding my perspective now compared to even a year ago. Yes I shed tears of pain but I am still giving thanks because I am as strong as I am because of all that I have been through. What we go through isn't for us to give up or feel defeated it is for us to grow and continuously elevate into our true self. Even sitting here I shake my head and smile at the fact that I kept pushing and now I am a mother, I have become the person that is looked at the way I looked at my mother. I know better ways of handling situations and all that I thought I wasn't I saw that I AM and always have been but my perception was clouded. At any time before when I felt there was no reason to push on now there is no reason NOT to push on and I can't give thanks enough for that change in thought process. To all who have ever lost someone I understand the pain seems too much to bear but we were built tough enough to not only endure pain but excel while experiencing it. Loss isn't just when someone transitions from life it can also be someone who turns abusive, gets lost in drugs or stops wanting the best for themselves; and so on. So this is to any and everyone reading, I believe in your life if no one else does. You are amazing and really can do things you never imagined. So please, do it for yourself, recognize how worthy you are and how much the Earth needs you. Keep pushing and growing and take that pain and use it as your weapon, not against others but to fuel your acceleration in life. 

Much love and light to all!

Thanks for reading!

*kisses