Dear Diary Edition: Mother(less) Day

Although Mother's Day has come and gone the feeling of missing her remains just as strong. I contemplated posting this blog with no proper reasoning against doing so. The way I am setup it is only right for me to express myself through words. Losing my mommy was the worst thing I could have ever imagined, a true calamity. Since I was little I never thought I would even be able to live without her let alone be functional without her here. I used to say "I'd die if mom ever went away: then one day she did, and yet somehow here I am, still pushing forward and very blessed.
Some days I sit outside in the sun and ask how I am so blessed to have had so much love instilled in me and be able to be somewhat ok without her here with me. Revisiting the last Mother's Day we shared four long years ago makes me really wonder where the time has went and how strong I have been to be able to keep it moving.
Mother's Day is a day of love and celebration, it's a day set aside for all mother's of all colors across the world to be recognized for being a positive and motivating force in their children's lives. It's a day that forces us to recognize the woman who carried us for 9+ months, the woman who gave us life! This day has taken on a new meaning, once celebrated but now more like a second memorial day to mourn the loss of the woman who gave me life. There's much chatter and happiness of plans to make Mother's Day a special day to remember but I no longer fit into those kinds of conversations. Some of us have lost our mother and are left with no one to look up to as a mother figure. Some people don't have a good relationship with their mother if they even have one at all. The point being when everyone is out celebrating there are many of us looking at the clock waiting for the day to be over. Such a special day can feel like a dreading countdown to others. Nevertheless, this is a day of remembrance where those whose mother isn't in their life or on this earth are thought of just as much as any other day.
The reality is every day feels like Mother's Day when she is no longer here. Being reminded of how amazing she was, how she smelled, her laugh. . .her warm embrace. To some Mother's Day is the only time appreciation is really shown. No matter how good the relationship is there will never be anyone you can be closer to than your mother. There is a connection in you that can and will never, ever,  be broken. To those such as myself who had to say goodbye to your mother, My heart is with you, my thoughts are with you. This is a harder day of the year but every day is the same heartbroken feeling for us. Hold onto those memories, never let them escape your grasp for that is all we have left to keep us going. When the world forgets you don't have that love on earth anymore, you still remember. When the world forgets the struggles you face without your mother, you still remember.
Remembering can be painful but being able to remember all the good moments is well worth the tears. You never get over the loss, you just become better at dealing with the emotion behind it. No matter what it is important to keep those memories alive. Even the ones that aren't the best memories to have, because we have to spend the rest of our lives reliving those moments to feel that closeness to her. The battle is never over but being strong is what she created us to be. So on this day I wish those without their mother much love, peace and beautiful memories!

Thanks for reading!

kisses*